


Hard Feelings and Everything In Between

by iovestories



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), POV Remus Lupin, Slow Burn, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, alternative universe, alternative universe no magic, like a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23147698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iovestories/pseuds/iovestories
Summary: "A couple years ago, I fell in love in a way I never thought it was humanly possible. It wasn't at first sight, it took me a while to get used to his obnoxious jokes and huge ego, but once I got through that, once I truly saw him, I couldn't help but fall.I never thought he would love me back - how can someone like him love someone like me?- but then he did. And it was so good, magical even, and it felt almost as though I was dreaming."You're gonna break my heart" I told him one day, when we were getting high in the parking lotHe raised an eyebrow"One day you will get bored of me" I went on "you'll realise you can do better than this and you'll leave"He grinned, that Sirius Black grin"I could never leave you Moony, I love you"But then he did, he left and broke my heart.And for a long time I thought this was it, that it was all over, until now."
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (present timeline)

I don't hate parties. That would be a dysphemism.

I just don't see the point of getting madly drunk and dancing until you can't feel your limbs.

I used to, but that was before.

_ Before him _

"Remus!" Marlene screams from the living room "come on" she’s waving at me "let's dance!"

I look down at my half-empty cup. I don't really like dancing - _ I swear I'm not that boring _ \- but it seems way better than sitting next to couples making out - seriously, get a room, Emeline.

"I'm so glad you're here," Marlene says once I got where she is "you ought to go out more"

I smile

"I suppose" I look around "where's Dorcas?"

The two girls have been dating for over a year, they never fought or argued, Lily says they were soulmates, Peter says they were relationship goals.

"She's back at the apartment" Marlene replies "studying"

"Oh…"

We are in the middle of the room now. What used to be James parents' house has been completely transformed to fit the party's purpose, and this room was no exception.

As we dive into the crowd, I notice that all the furniture has been pushed to the walls to make space for the guests, who are scattered around the dance floor.

"Does James know all these people?" I scream over the loud music

"I don't know" she screams back "he sent invitations to basically everyone in Hogwarts"

We dance in silence for some time, Marlene shaking her head, her blonde curls bouncing on her shoulders, she look happy, carefree, I wish I could feel the same. Believe me, I tried, but I can't keep myself from worrying about what comes next. I'm not like them, I don't have a family or money, I got three jobs and I still struggle to pay the rent. I don't know what I'm gonna do after Hogwarts I can only hope my book -the one I barely started writing- is a success.

There was a loud noise outside, some people turn to see what it is but I recognize it right away. My stomach drops, this can't be happening. He can't be here. I shake the feeling away, surely that is more than one 1966 Mustang GT convertible in London, right?

It doesn't take long for Lily to show up, her face red with anger.

"I can't believe you" she says to Marlene, shaking her head "Why did you invite him?"

"What are you talking about?"

" _ Him _ " Lily hands are on her hips now "I told you you could invite Regulus but not  _ him _ !"

"He came?" Marlene's eyes widen "I swear to God Regulus didn't tell me anything, I didn't even know he was in London!"

Lily rolls her eyes

" _ Great _ . Now I'm gonna have to kick him out! Just when people started to think I was cool..." she mumbles as she walks out of the room and into the yard.

"What was that all about?" Not that I don't have a hint already, I guess I just hope I'm wrong -maybe Regulus has a brother I don't know about?

"Oh Remus, I'm so sorry" Marlene looks down "I'm gonna kill Regulus"

_ Well, shit _

_ He's here _

Marlene peeks over my shoulder, searching for him

"I don't see him," she says "maybe Lily already kick him out?" she gets on the tip of her toes to have a better view "oh shit!" she stops, suddenly "he's in the kitchen"

She takes my hand

"Let's go somewhere else before he sees us"

But it was too late.

Nor have we started moving I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Moony" his voice was softer than I remembered, but I would recognize it anywhere

I turn around, letting go of Marlene, and there he is.

Long black hair.

Leather jacket.

Silver eyes.

And that stupid Sirius's Black grin.

I want to punch him, I want to scream at him, ask him what he'd been doing in the past two years but my breath gets caught on my throat and my heart skips a beat.

His eyes lock on mine and I feel trapped. It is as though we went back in time, back to the days when he could silence me with a smile, back to the days when we were in love.

It takes me all the strength I have to turn around, free myself from his charm and leave that stupid party.

I hear Marlene calling me, then trying to stop Sirius from following me, but I don't dare to look back.

It's typical Sirius, fuck everything up and then come back, looking like a lost puppy, expecting me to forgive him. That used to work, but not anymore. Not after what he'd done.

I thought it was over, I thought I could finally move on. It's been two years, two years of nothingness, he never called, or texted me, he never tried to reach me in any way. It was as though he had disappeared that night, like a ghost. All that was left of him was that feeling, half anger half sorrow, and the empty hole in my heart.

I'm in the sidewalk now, the cold air ripping through my skin. I shiver, I left my coat at the party but there is no coming back now. I hope James finds it and give it back to me.

"Moony!" Sirius calls

I keep walking 

_Don't look back don't look back don't look_ _back_

"Remus!" he tries again "Please!"

"Go away Sirius!"

And for a moment I thought he did, I can't hear his footsteps anymore and I feel a rush of relief running through my body.

But then I hear the engine.

_ Fuck me _

”We need to talk,” Sirius says, once he catches up with me

”There's nothing to talk about” 

”You don't know the whole story”

”And I don't want to!” I turn to face him ”It's been two years Sirius, I'm over it”

”We both know that's a lie”

I close my eyes, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears 

"What's wrong with you?! You fucked me up Sirius, you broke my heart, left me in pieces!" I rant "You know how long it took for me to put myself together? Oh yeah, you don't, because you left!" I feel tears burning down my cheeks -  _ ugh, I hate crying _ \- "so you don't get to come back after  _ two years _ expecting me to forgive you!"

Sirius looks down  _ -is he crying too? _

"If you are truly sorry, leave me alone" I say, quietly.

He sigh

"I just… I can't stop thinking about it" he sounds hurt "You have no idea how much I regret it… and I know you will never forgive me, and you have the right not to but… I can't move on without telling you the truth"

I should have told him to fuck off, to disappear again, but something inside me wanted to know.

I never really understood what happened that day, why he did it. Sometimes, late at night, I would catch myself wondering if he really meant what he said, it didn't make any sense, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, it was all a lie, after all he'd always been a great actor.

Sirius must have noticed something had changed because he says

"You don't have to decide it right now" he pauses and unlock the car's door "Can I give you a ride? After all I'm the reason you're going home alone"

I purse my lips. I know it is a bad idea, but again, he is right, Lily was supposed to give me a ride, but I can't possibly ask her to leave the party earlier just for me -not that she wouldn't do it, she's the sweetest person in the world.

"This doesn't mean anything" I say, sitting in the passenger's seat.

"Whatever you say"

We stayed in silence for a moment, the type of silence that makes you nervous, that makes you want to say something, anything, just to break it. 

I chew on my lip, my curiosity taking over me. All the answers to those questions I've been asking myself for the past two years were sitting right next to me, and yet, I can't bring myself to ask them.

_ Very brave of you Remus _

"I'm moving back to London" Sirius breaks the silence "Regulus is being transferred to Hogwarts"

I sigh, of course he's back, ruining my life seems to be his favourite sport.

"Are you being transferred too?" I ask

"No" his eyes are on the road "I've already finished college"

I nodd

_ At least I won't see him at Hogwarts. _

"I'm sorry" he blurts out "I just wanted to see you, I thought I could fix it" he goes on "I would never, ever, come back if I knew it would hurt you… I hate to do that to you"

"You seemed really cool with hurting me last time I saw you" I say coldly

"I told you" he glances at me "you don't know the whole story"

"It doesn't matter, the damage has already been done" 

I close my eyes

_ Please shut up, I can't do this now _

"You have no idea how badly I wish I could change it"

_ God, can't you just shut up? _

"You can't rewrite the past Sirius"

"I know-"

"Then stop trying to fix what's already broken!" I snap "This,  _ us _ , whatever it is it's over! I don't want you to fix it, I don't want " _ the real story _ " I want you gone!" 

I don't mean that, not entirety. I'm so furious, anger boiling inside me like tea in a kettle. I want him to stop talking, to shut up only for a moment, just so I can calm down, process everything. 

It's all too overwhelming, Sirius was back, he was  _ here _ , after all these years he came back, and he came back for me. He wanted to fix us, he still cared. 

It's too much for me, I can't take this right now.

"Pull over" I say "We're close, I can walk from here"

I'm already on the sidewalk when he speaks

"Moony" he says "I still love you, I will never stop loving you"


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ( flashback )

It's Valentine's Day. One of James's friends has thrown what might have been the biggest party yet, he invited the whole school and now, four hours later, all the guests had either passed out or sneaked out to one of the rooms upstairs.

I'm supposed to be the responsible one this time so, for the sake of my fellow Marauders, I stayed sober, making sure they wouldn't do something stupid.

I'm lounging in the backyard when Sirius shows up, he's smoking something that most likely is weed but he doesn't seems high.

”Hey there,” he says, laying next to me ”having fun?”

”Kind of hard to have fun while babysitting you lot”

He chuckles but says nothing.

He'd been acting weird lately. It felt like he wanted to be closer to me, we spent more time alone together, he asked the most random questions at the most random moments, saying he just wanted to  _ ”know me better”  _ though he already knew all that was to know. And sometimes I would catch him looking at me… differently.

Like right now.

”How come you've never been with someone before?” he asks like it is the most ordinary thing in the world 

I try my best not to blush.

”You know why” it isn't a lie, though it isn't completely true either. He knows I'm gay and, in a small homophobic town , it's almost impossible for me to find someone. But what he doesn't, know is that I have already found someone, someone that would never love me back.

”But… You have… like… Kissed someone, right?”

I sigh, he knew I didn't so why ask anyway?

”Sirius I told you before, I've never kissed anyone”

He bit his lip, his eyes wander from my eyes to my lips, and then back to my eyes, it's making me nervous.

”Why are you looking at me like-?”

Sirius cut me off with a kiss. 

It's so fast I can barely process it before he pulls away, gasping.

"Sirius?" I say, my eyes searching for his

He runs his hands through his hair and quickly stands up.

He looks confused, scared even.

"I-I'm sorry-"

I want to tell him it was okay, that I've been wanting for him to do that for as long as I can remember.

But he is already gone.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (present timeline)

_ "I still love you, I will never stop loving you" _

His words play on repeat in my head, like a broken record.

I can't believe it, any of it.

I pinch myself twice as I pace around what used to be our apartment. It feels empty now, he didn't take any of his belongings with him when he moved out but I got rid of it anyway. 

I wonder if he's going to ask me to give it back, now that he's here…

After a few hours of reflection -and many chocolate bars- I have finally come to a conclusion: I shouldn't talk to Sirius. Not only would it bring back bad memories and threaten all the progress I made in the past two years but it was also extremely dangerous.

My phone rigs again, it must be Marlene. She'd called me twice today, Lily called too - three times- and James and Pete left me messages. I ignored them all. I wish they would stop caring that much, like I'm some delicate porcelain that can break with the slightest movement.

However, when I look at my phone it doesn't read "Marls" in the id caller, it's a blocked number.

_ Sirius, perhaps? _

_ Or it might just be telemarketing. _

I have to know either way.

"Hello?" I answer it "who's this?"

"Are you gonna scream at me again?" Sirius asks from the other side, he doesn't sound accusatory though

"No, I-I'm sorry for yesterday"

"You were right"

"I know" I say "But still, I was rude and, though you deserved it, I should be better than that"

"You are better than that, Remus" he pauses "I'm sending you my new address, if you ever want to talk-"

"Sirius I told I don't want anything to do with you" I cut him off

"I know, I know, I won't pressure you" he says carefully "just in case you change your mind"

I want to say I won't, I should say that, right? 

"Okay-" I tell him instead 

There is a loud noise outside and someone knocks at my door - repeatedly.

"REMUS open the fucking door!" someone screams

"I gotta go" I hang up and toss my phone aside

They are still knocking when I open the door.

"Remus John Lupin why the hell didn't you answer my calls??" Lily push me and lets herself in, followed by an angry-looking Marlene

"And mines!" the other girl add

"I'm sorry I was...err… sleeping" I lie

"Bullshit" they say at unison

"Fine" I raise my hands, surrendering "I just… wasn't in the mood for talking"

Marlene seats on the couch, glancing at what was left of the dozen chocolate bars I ate earlier.

"You're gonna end up dead if you keep eating that much chocolate" she jokes and then adds with a more serious voice "are you okay?"

"Honestly, I'm not sure"

"I'm gonna make you some tea" Lily announces going to the kitchen, cooking seems to be her coping mechanism 

"It's all my fault" Marlene blurts out

"It isn't-"

"But it is!" she insists "If I hadn't invited Regulus you wouldn't have seen him"

"Sirius moved to London, I would've seen him either way"

She frowns

"I'm still sorry"

I seat beside her.

"Don't feel guilty" I plead "or I'll feel bad too"

"Tea's ready" Lily emerges from the kitchen, caring my only mug and two other cups "I can't believe you only have one mug Remus!"

"I live alone!"

"Still, the first rule of being British is to have a tea set" she hands me the mug "this" she gestures towards her cup "is an offence to the crown"

I laugh, like, genuinely laugh.

Lily can always lift my spirits.

"Have you spoken to him since the party?" Lily asks suddenly serious

"No" I lie

She raises an eyebrow, inquisitively

"Okay" I give up "he called me, he wants to speak with me" she opens her mouth, but I go on "don't worry I told him I don't want to see him"

"Are you sure?" Marlene asks, she was well aware of who much I loved him -back in the day, I used to tell her everything. I would call her everyday and spent hours ranting about my feelings.

"Honestly, I don't know" I say, there is no point of lying now "Right now I think it's for the best for me not to see him, but he said something yesterday… about me not knowing the whole story and you know how curious I can be, so I can't promise you anything"

Lily and Marlene exchanged a concerned look

"Remus" the redhead starts "it's not that we don't want you to see him, I mean, we don't, but that's just because we want to protect you" she pauses "we think taking to him, or even seeing him again, will be very bad for you, but if you think you need closure and what he has to say will give you that, we are okay with that" 

"We just want what's best for you" Marlene says

I should thank God everyday for the friends I have 

_ Not that I don't _

"Thanks guys"

***

Two weeks passed and I heard nothing from Sirius. 

He was true to his word. He gave me time to think it through, to decide whether I want or not to hear his version of of happened.

I see Regulus a lot though. He is one year behind but we cross paths in the hallways all the time. 

"Hogwarts is way better than UCLA" he tells me as we walk through campus on our way out "don't get me wrong, UCLA is great but Hogwarts it's in a whole other level"

"Nothing compares to Hogwarts" I agree

He is being really cool with the whole Sirius situation. He is on his brother side, obviously, and yet he never pushed me to do anything, he mentioned Sirius a few times - "He can give you a ride if you want" or "We could hang out sometime" - but nothing more.

"How was California?" I ask

"Amazing" he says "though I prefer Britain, I was thrilled when Sirius invited me to come back with him after they kicked him out"

"He what?" I almost choke on my coffee - kicked out? What have he done this time?

"You don't know…?" Regulus seems suddenly uncomfortable

"No one told me anything, I assumed he had just gotten tired of California and came back, what happened?"

Regulus opens and closed his mouth a few times and then

"Er… you should probably ask him that" he says "but basically he said some stuff to our parents and they disowned him"

_ Disowned? _

_ What the hell Sirius? _

"Don't worry" Regulus adds quickly "he's better like this, he can finally get what he wants"

He glances at me

_ "You" _ his eyes say

I pretend I don't understand.

"Moony, Reg!" Marlene calls us, waving"Come here!"

She is sitting on a bench by the lake, a coffee cup in her hand. Dorcas is next to her, leaning over a book.

I seat on the grass, my legs crossed, while Regulus lays down, using his bag as a pillow.

"How are my two favourite people in the world?" she asks taking a sip of her coffee

Dorcas clears her throat, suddenly paying attention to the conversation 

"Correction" Marlene smirks shooting her girlfriend a playfully look "My two favourite  _ boys _ "

I hold back a laughed

"I'm fine" 

"Tired. But good" Regulus says, closing his eyes

"Are you lot going to the bonfire?" Dorcas asks

"Probably" I wave my hand in front of Regulus face, checking if he has already fallen asleep. He has

I waite for Dorcas to go back to her book and then lean towards Marlene

"Did anyone tell you why Sirius was disowned?" I whisper

"No" she whisper back 

"Didn't Regulus tell you? You guys are best friends"

"Yes, but he knows I don't want anything to do with Sirius"

"Can you ask him and tell me later?"

Marlene tilts her head, think about it, and then says

"No"

"Why?"

"My love has limits, if you want to know you're gonna have to ask him yourself"

"Pleeeease" I pout "You are the one who told me to stay away from Sirius"

"I know, but I see now that what you truly need is closure" she says "so talking to him might actually be a good idea"

I open my mouth but then closed it again. She is right.

I have to talk to Sirius.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (flashback)

Sirius Black kissed me.

Sirius Black kissed me two weeks ago and he's been avoiding me ever since.

Until now I have three theories

  1. He was in shock, he hadn't realized his feelings for me yet and was now overwhelmed by his own actions.
  2. He did meant to kiss me and he likes me but he's too afraid to come out
  3. He was drunk, or high, or maybe both, he saw me there, all by myself and thought it would be nice to know how it feels to kiss a boy



The third one seems to be more plausible but let's ignore that.

We are all sleeping at James's today, a marauders only slumber party after exams.

I purposefully set my bed near Sirius's and now here we are, at two am, surrounded by pillows listening to James snoring and Peter's steady breaths.

I had a plan. Corner Sirius alone and confront him, but how? And when?

I should have thought this through.

I feel something brush against my fingertips and suddenly Sirius is holding my hand, intertwining our fingers.

_ Okay _

_ I didn't see that coming _

"... Sirius?" I whisper

"Yeah?" he whisper back

"Er… what are you doing?"

"I'm holding your hand"

"I see that, but why?"

"It feels nice"

_ As if that was an actual answer _

"Are we gonna talk about it?" I try a different approach

"About what?"

He's playing dumb. I hate when he plays dumb.

I turn to him, so I'm laying on my side, I don't let go of his hand though - it does feel nice.

"The kiss Sirius"

He doesn't say anything

"Why did you kiss me?"

"I don't know… wanted to"

"Stop lying" I try not to wake the others "you changed everything around me, the least you can do is tell me the truth"

"I'm telling you the truth" He turns to face me "I don't know what's going on with me" he goes on "I have these  _ feelings _ and I have no idea what they mean, or what to do with them" he pauses, looking for the right words “that night… I saw you, and... I- I wanted you"

"You wanted me" I repeat, dumbfounded

"It's probably just hormones or some shit" 

"I hope not" I whisper, so quietly I'm not sure he can listen.

But he did.

His eyes lighten up, his face shifting from fear to shock, then to a mix of happiness and relief.

"So...what now?" He asks, after a moment of silence 

"Guess we'll have to figure it out" 

I kiss the tip of his nose and go back to sleep, smiling at how red his cheeks are.


End file.
